Return of the Fangirls

Meet Bram Stoker, Author of Dracula.

"What!? They don't sparkle!"

Question: If we had to burn books for heat to keep us warm, what section of the library would be the first to be burned?

Answer: What section are the Twilight series kept in?

It's true my dear readers. While much of the American population (mostly squealing fangirls) has been seemingly hypnotized by sparkly Vammeyers with a half popped-collar, I remain on the other side, where there is less squealing, less collar-popage, and far less annoyance.

So, as it turns out, Hollywood has kept up their streak of predictability and produced not only a sequel, but a sequel of a book. Frequent readers of this blog (bless your hearts) have a clear idea about my view on the Twilight saga*. However for you newcomers (also bless your hearts), allow me to paint a vague picture of my opinion on the cultural phenomenon. There is Facebook group called "Husbands annoyed by Twilight". As soon as I get married, I'm joining that group.

*Saga? Saga? I thought the word 'saga' was reserved for anime and science fiction, especially anime science fiction. Since when did Twilight get put into the same category as DragonBall Z?

I explained in a previous post that while I absolutely loathe the Twilight series, the series itself doesn't annoy me nearly as much as most of its devoted fans do, and this hasn't changed at all. Every now and again, my roommate will have a group of people over and they will watch a movie on his projector, and two nights ago they selected Twilight. Not wanting to be a party pooper, I stayed in the room while the movie was playing. However, not wanting to lose my sanity, I attempted to entertain myself by doing two things: being of Facebook, and ruthlessly making fun of the movie. This is always fun with the right group of people, but what I've found that I probably would have been better off going to bed early.

You see, the people my roommate invited were devoted Twilight fans. The conversations that were occurring while the film was playing really did nothing but strengthen this opinion of mine. An example of these conversations happened when a few of us started laughing during the part where the main Vammeyer told the Rabbit-toothed girl that he liked to watch her while she slept*. One of the girls that was with us said:

"Wait! This movie gets better!"

Unfortunately for her, we had all already seen this movie. A few of us chimed in saying:

"No. No it doesn't. This movie kinda sucks."

"But he's soooo cute!"

"Um, your not creeped out at all that he watches her sleep?"

"It's cute!"

"So what if I told you that I watched you while you slept, was over a hundred years old, and wanted to eat you?"

"I would [choke you to death]*!"

*This part was changed in case my mother reads this. If that is the case, hi mom! How are you doing? Sorry I didn't call on Sunday. It slipped my mind, and as soon as I remembered, I was at a friend's house and didn't want to be rude. I love you and miss you dearly! -Nintendood

This is a phenomenon that confuses me. If there are any ladies reading this (again, bless your hearts), would you care to explain this too me? Do most girls surrender their common sense and their "creeper" alarm if a guy had girly lips and wears glitter? I have an explanation, but please let me know if I need correction via the e-mail address below or in the comment section.

Why is it that most of the fans of Twilight are girls, and not guys? The answer is the same reason why most of the fans of Playboy magazine are men instead of women. Twilight is, essentially, pornography for women. How is this possible? There are no images within the books? dictionary.com give several definitions of pornography. These include:

1. Obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit.

2. Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.

Think about it. Most guys would find it creepy if a girl stared at them while they slept. However, in today's society, it's hard to find a guy who would be creeped out, or even opposed to, a porn star staring at him in his sleep. I especially enjoy the first definition here because of the last six words, because in all reality, that is what the Twilight series is.

That being said, I will never marry a girl who is into the Twilight series.

Question? Comments? Hate mail? Answers to MY questions, comments, or loathes? E-mail me at:

celebino251@hotmail.com

Go read Dracula my Bram Stoker. It's brilliant.